My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
