New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
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