i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Randomize
