It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
