we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
