there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
