i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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