Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize