When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
