He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
this hospital has no fireball
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Randomize
