Farmville is her only friend.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
