note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
