My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
