glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
