tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
