walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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