Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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