That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
