Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
