Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Randomize
