her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I need a burrito and a hug.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
