U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
