If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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