I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
