Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
