making cat noises will not fix the situation.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
