I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
