just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
