my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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