My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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