No stitches, just platelets and will power
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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