i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
