Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
