the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
What a dumb baby whore.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
