Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
