i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
