Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
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