Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
