I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
