Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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