hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize