best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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