My liver just broke up with me...
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
