What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
