It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
