i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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