After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I think a kid would responsible me up
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
