Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
