dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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