i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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