AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
