I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
