..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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