as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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