He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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