I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
